Why I absolutely refuse to “regulate my nervous system”
As we creep towards the longest night of the year, war is ever-present in my mind.
To be honest, I’ve been thinking about war for a long, long time, tending to its invisible wounds within myself and those around me. I was raised by a WW2 refugee. My first job out of university was in a neuroscience PTSD research lab at the San Francisco Veterans Affairs Medical Center. For better or worse, war has a been a constant companion at my dinner table, fueling an obsessive interest in tools that can help us heal and sustain committed action towards the deep, systemic change our world is calling for.
I often come across lists titled along the lines of “five ways to effectively down-regulate your nervous system” or “how to regulate yourself in times of stress.” While the tools themselves may be helpful, the language of “regulation” elicits an involuntary cringe - somehow it all makes me think of turning the knobs of a machine, as though the core of my humanity is some kind of gadget that demands precise handling and precise output.
Who is to define, exactly, the geometries of our emotional bodies? If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that emotional worlds extend far beyond three dimensions and often defy the rules of Newtonian physics altogether.
(left image: Orchids by Azuma Makoto; right image: Human nervous system "Compendiosa...", T. Geminus, 1553)
In my own life, I strongly prefer the word “tending.”
Tending to one’s own humanity.
Tending to another’s humanity.
Tending to each-other.
Tending the world.
There are so many different ways to tend to something - someone - beloved.
I find it very difficult to believe that we can create a more just, beautiful world by forcibly shaming each other or wrecking ourselves with onslaughts of information to the point of complete exhaustion. That…seems like the opposite of tending. But maybe, just maybe, that is a bit like regulating - enforcing control for a desired outcome.
Here, I begin to wonder: isn’t letting go of control, of the dynamics of control - isn’t that at the core of healing abusive power dynamics? Isn’t that part of the deeper, daily work of systemic transformation?
Our socio-economic systems sink deep into our bones and define the subconscious ways in which we relate to our own flesh. Even within this language of “regulation.”
I want to offer a gentle reminder:
It is ok to feel exhausted. It is ok to feel angry. It is ok to feel joyful. It is ok to feel content. It is ok to feel confused and overwhelmed. Scared. Proud. Numb. Ashamed. Grateful. Sad.
It is ok to feel lost.
Whatever you are feeling, it is completely ok to take space to tend to these experiences without having to regulate anything or anybody.
Viewed outside of the frameworks of control and asymmetrical power structures, these emotional experiences ultimately all lead to one place: a genuine readiness to heal, both on the microcosmic level of our own cells, tissues, and bodies; and on the macrocosmic levels of our families, communities, and nations. And that is a foundation that can truly sustain a lifetime of systemic change.
How can you tend to what is most beloved within you?
How can you tend to what is beloved outside of you?
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